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ratings=4 / 10. 2554 votes. Director=Floria Sigismondi. Genre=Drama, Mystery. Runtime=94 m. 2020. I love Finn and even though he is a phenomenal actor, this doesn't scare me because watching him I only thing about the boy who loves Eleven.

Finn Wolfhard is so talented. THAT ARM IS ELECTRIC! 🔥🔥🔥🔥. So you're saying Universal put out Cats, Doolittle, this. but also 1917 less than a month apart? Bruh. Martin Lawrence's fat head really resembles that of his character of big momma. Welcome to another fantastic season of Before the 90 Days, which promises the series’ first same sex couple and Darcey’s enrollment in Acting 102: The Girlfriend Experience. Sadly, this episode denies us the rainbow-haired greeting and Darcey wearing what appears to be a tshirt with titties on it underneath a wedding dress, but fret not, there is still much mayo to mess your mug. In the ghost of 90DF past, Natalie burned out on a scooter to escape Ashley’s pre-Angela ponytail. Now Big Ed is here to show us the true magic of mounting the scooter steed, complete with tiny Teddy the Wonder Dog tucked into a bubble backpack. He scoots about town acknowledging friendly passers-by, tiny Teddy poking his little dog nose out the hatch window. Can you imagine being mad at Big Ed? That’s like being furious at a Prince song, or yelling at candy. It just doesn’t work. Anyway, Big Ed got his nickname when he summoned it from the land of Narf: “Because I’m 4’11. I’m short. Because of the short thing. It’s ironic. Wait, is that ironic? Alanis Morrisette destroyed us all. I am short, so fake big. People say ‘Hey Big Ed’ and then the lulz happen. Get it? ” he over-explains, for the first time but not the last. Teddy the Wonder Dog is introduced as his best friend, which I support, because four legs good, two legs bad. To keep Teddy in biscuits, Big Ed is gainfully employed as a photographer, and he succeeds in not creeping out clients with his praise while they arrange themselves in leafy garments. He also has a spent marriage under his belt that fell apart because he cheated on The Mrs. Paul managed to justify arson, and Big Ed is all, “Yeah, I fucked up. ” I’m going to pause to knight Sir Big Ed, first of his name, defender of self awareness, reclaimer of accountability, noble speaker to nicknames, carrier of the canine. Big Ed spent 28 post-marriage years as a singleton, raising his daughter and rocking his career, until he entered the devil’s punch bowl known as The Facebook, and found a 19 year-old girl from the Philippines to love for her personality. He’s been sending Rosemarie gifts since their fourth week of acquaintance, and she hasn’t received any of them yet, but this hasn’t dissuaded Ed. Of course, many of the gifts he sent are his special requirements for his skin condition, but still, those pillows and fancy sheets will linger long after his itchy self is gone. He scoots on over to UPS with his latest package, and introduces us to an attractive UPS employee that doubles as Big Ed’s therapist. The cameras zoom in on that wedding ring, because they’ve known our thirst since Larissa’s slow-jam of a lawyer bass-lined into our hearts. They also linger on the background Pride flag for a minute, so we know the UPS welcomes all parched persons. Then Ed goes to visit his mom Norma, who resembles his daughter, to ask if she can dog sit Teddy. She’s an immigrant from Mexico herself, and is skeptical of Ed’s relationship, and his haircut. Big Ed reveals that he’s already bought a ring and he’s serious, but Mother Norma traverses this obstacle to press him about his daughter, and he admits he hasn’t considered her feelings about dating a woman younger than she is. They haven’t spoken in four weeks, and Ed realizes how foolish this is, and calls her from his car to leave a message, asking to talk to her about what she’s experiencing. Did anyone else pause to make sure they were watching the right show when this happened? Did I get too high on Avery’s photographs? Definitely, because is Ed’s next scene he’s trotting into his kitchen wearing a festive kimono, to fetch his unlabeled hair mayonnaise from the fridge, and a slotted turner for application purposes. He monkey slaps the slotted wonder against the jar’s mouth, which fails to open enough to receive this utensil, then mushes it onto his head, all the while wearing latex gloves to protect his hands from the hazards of egg yolk. He quickly explains that this is a solution to a brittle hair problem informed by box dye devotion, and his daughter is holding vinegar rinse and rosemary oil wisdom hostage until he ghosts the 19 year-old. Once he’s combed his hair into a full Fonzie, he skypes Rose, who has a hand-gesture conversation with Big Ed before she holds up a child named Prince to call Ed daddy, which in the tongue of 90DF means “man over 25. ” Big Ed then admits that he doesn’t entirely trust her, and he’s “kind of a germaphobe” which means he’s going to need her to take an STD test. “Fuck that! ” Lisa interjects. “Wow, my influence is really strong in this episode, ” Paul is ready to help. “Remember, since there’s a margin of error, she should take at least six STD tests. No, eight. No, at least a dozen. I need to call Karine…” Big Ed has also noted that she has 4, 000 friends on Facebook, which definitely isn’t because she’s 19 years old and accepts any and every friend request. Unsettled by this headcount of strangers, he asks for more information, which reminds Rose that her internet connection has been acting up lately, so Big Ed is going to have to sort this out with Teddy and the UPS guy over mayo. Remember that marijuana leaf I’m trashed on? Meet Avery, a Seattle stereotype doing yoga on the beach, the cameras faithfully recording every pose from the most sexualized angle possible. She’s a single mom, dental hygienist, and Grey’s Anatomy enthusiast, but still leaves (see what I did? ) sufficient time for her true passion: taking photographs of pot leaves on top of food. Now I don’t have a degree in weed or anything, but I’m pretty sure the bulk of the high comes from a component of the plant known as the bud, which is generally broken up and either cooked into a candy confection of some kind, or stuffed into a pipe for my partner to loudly judge from the open window of our kitchen. The leaves are for making tea when you’ve fucked up and run out of weed. Avery met an instagram dude from Australia named Ash, who is a relationship coach, specializing in women he wants to fuck. This coaching is communicated through bug-eyed videos stuffed fat with a hodgepodge of new age circle-jerk phrases. “Female energy connection journey, ” He begins. “Communication gratitude motivation positive conscious negativity togetherness pleasure. Toxins true heart-centered twin-flame dream it be it core feminine power. Cursive signature, vague reference to eastern traditions, photo of a sunset. ” Wooed by this gobbledegook, Avery is planning a visit to meet him, hoping he’s a better option than the dot-com dudebro who talked her into moving to California and naming her child Silver (as in hi-ho). Sure, she’s a single mom without much money to spend, but that has never stopped anyone on this show. At the same time, she’s skeptical of his very specific business, but is still willing to lean hard on a babysitter tasked with caring for her children while she heads down under and see if this man is above board (I did it again). Before doing this, she stops by to hang out with her friend Jared, whom she describes as a “pretty big deal in the cannabis industry. ” Something tells me all of her relationships include a person she would describe in similar fashion, with similar apartments with lavish views. Anyway, Jared has preserved a single pot leaf in a green bag, so that she can pull it out and sniff it and ask the oracle if this is the one, while he looks at her in confusion and wonders if she wants more from the dumpster he’s filled out back. Jared and Avery dated many moons ago, and according to Jared, she drove him to the brink of madness with her sniffed-leaf salads, and he’s worried that this is going to be another bad decision. Avery has no shortage of attractive friends, and later meets another set of them so they can express astonishment at her choices. Avery admits that it’s possible that, as a relationship coach, he might just know the right things to say. She confesses there have been “red flags, ”and these flags need to have a theme song already if we’re going to keep saluting them while they wave in the air. Said flags include a bankruptcy, which prevents him from visiting her in the US. Ash says this bankruptcy is due to a shady business partner who took all of his money, and he kept this under wraps because…hmm. Josh and Jen are worried. Avery then harkens back to the first time the red ran up the pole, when she noticed THE FACEBOOK status of Ash was not switched to “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated” or “for fuck’s sake delete facebook already. ” So they took the left hand path to THE INSTAGRAM, and discovered the photos he had posted of Avery were deleted. Nothing else, just the Avery pics. Red flag waving in the breeze, Ash explains that this was the work of a rogue hacking collective responsible for countless unsolicited dick pics, and publicly posted racist comments. Quick, someone call Neo to get inside the Matrix and bring this menacing band of selective deleters to justice! This information leaves Josh and Jen staring at her blankly, wondering if this free trip and television debut is worth meeting yet another man with mayo hair. On to Geoffrey, whom you might recognize from the classic Julia Roberts’ movie Sleeping With the Enemy. When Geoffrey’s not turning around all the cans in the cupboard so the labels face forward, or discovering his wife chopped her hair and flushed her ring to flee to another country, he’s trolling the internet for someone who doesn’t have access to American media. Let’s just hit the bullet points of this fucking guy: Not one but FOUR ex-wives, all of which have accused him of domestic battery, one of whom accused him of repeatedly raping her, and a felony drug conviction that prevents him from moving to another country. Brittany, wife #4, is 19 years his junior, and has joint Canada-Jamaica citizenship. She fled to Canada, saying that he abused her and her two sons. Despite Brittney’s declaration that she feared for their safety, the judge inexplicably awarded custody to Geoffrey…and the kid died within one month. I’m not saying this is perfect math, but there’s enough equation there to equal how the fuck did that kid have a deadly seizure? But you didn’t think he stopped at four instances of abuse, did you? He’s also accused of beating, raping, and kidnapping his last girlfriend. This instance, along with wife #3 submitting an affidavit attesting to him being a fucking psychopath, allowed Brittany to finally gain full custody of their remaining child. I mean, there’s “that’s questionable” and there’s “what the fuck is wrong with the producers? ” This would be the latter. Varia, who should be glad there’s cameras blocking her body, is Geoffrey’s next victim. His sons are hesitant about his upcoming travel to meet her, since they don’t know if Russian prisons allow for bail. He declares there’s a risk he’ll be heartbroken, because his whole emotional experience is in her hands. Later, he meets with a friend and the one woman in his life he hasn’t beat up yet, and…oh fuck this. I cannot stand writing another syllable about this piece of shit. The 90DF producers have committed an egregious error, deciding to keep this guy in the cast after details of his skeleton-stuffed closet came to light. We are a low-bar team, but I’m not giving a serial woman beater another wink of attention. Fuck you, Geoffrey. Back to the sort of wow that we demand every Sunday: 90DF decides to give us a break from Geoffrey with something easier on the eyes, like armpit waxing. Meet Angela 2: Electric Boogaloo! Electros rule the dance floor now! Lisa’s got travel plans, and doesn’t want to arrive looking like she’s got a troll doll in a headlock. This is apparently just one tiny patch of her full body wax. Unless she’s a Sasquatch, I don’t understand this commitment to body baldness, but everyone assures me that scads of women shave every orifice and skin strip and apply the lost hair to their eyebrows. Lisa is a hospice nurse, and met her man as a result of working late shifts, since she relies on social media for socializing. Guzman is reportedly a celebrity in Nigeria, and he cooked up a rap track as part of his woo-the-older-lady project. Guzman’s hip hop name is SojaBoy, not to be confused with Soulja Boy, who gifted us that Superman dance that entertained me at bus stops for years, and is destined to be performed by white people at weddings, and by me at my niece’s high school graduation while she hides in the bathroom. For rap hit inspiration, Guzman thumbed through an encyclopedia of generic romantic sentiment, called his single-ladies-only relationship coach, and dropped this track: “My baby girl Lisa, having a head and two arms and a torso, ” he Shakespeares. “Walking around eating food, going to sleep at night, paying her bills the third Thursday. I pray for you girl, that you will never google me girl. I’ll floss all my teeth for you girl. I’ll call you girl now girl. I’ll double that cheese now girl. I don’t need the patties or bun girl. Just give me that cheese girl. I love you so very. Loyalty. ” Lisa swooned and clutched her chest. Of course, like every older woman to grace this show, Lisa has concerns about the feee-males on The Facebook. In Lisa’s free time she scrolls through his every post and comment for reasons to be jealous. When she isolates a heart-shape, she screenshots it and sends it to Guzman, demanding to know why other people exist. She suggests he “tighten up his facebook” which assures us that she will hold US citizenship over his head for at least the next ten episodes. Later, Lisa goes out for sugar bombs with friend Nikki, and encourages said friend to try the Oreo version of whatever the fuck she’s drinking, before adding, “Try a Nigerian, you might like him, too. ” Okay, at least The OA (Original Angela) didn’t reference Michael as an object from a collection friends should browse for their pleasure chest. Lisa tells Nikki she’s getting married in Nigeria, because SojaBoy proposed to her, but she wants the proposal to also happen in person. Nikki wonders what she’ll do if the sex is no good, and Lisa interprets this as him disliking sex with her, and declares that she has a secret weapon. “He has only ever had protected sex. Not with me, ” she insists. “We’re going bareback, and then I will lock him down with HPV. ” “is that why you waxed? ” Nikki is flummoxed. “Bingo, bitch. ” Nikki still has a hard time believing he’s been loyal for the full two years of their relationship. Good thing Lisa has a rock-solid defense: “Did you hear that song he wrote for me? ” Yes, we heard it Lisa. Did you? Sharing an age and nothing else with Lisa is Yolanda. She reports that she lost 150 pounds by power walking and working with a trainer, and was with her husband Duane for 30 years. He got sick and died of kidney disease, leaving her to raise six seemingly well-adjusted children, who describe her as “beautiful, kind. ” Can we just stop and cry now, because this woman does not deserve to be on this show. I want to put her on the Bachelor where she’s surrounded by a ring of competitive men desperate for a surrendered rose. She needs more kindness and less con. Anyway, after her husband’s death and her significant weight loss, she started posting on The Gram, where she met Williams: a 40 year-old restaurant manager who is possibly invisible. Yolanda declares that she enjoys the feeling of being liked, and she talks to him up to five times a day. She receives a flurry of text messages while talking to the camera, and Yolanda declares, “He puts a rose next to my name every time. How can you not fall in love with that? ” Williams is going to have to register for Paul’s next awkward marathon into the jungle now, because everyone is coming for him if he does Yolanda dirty. Yolanda reveals that she lied about her age, telling Williams she’s 45 instead of 51. She’s certain that they haven’t FaceTimed only because he doesn’t have a camera. Her daughter Cara isn’t having it. She shares a resale business with mom, and is the only one of the six children to know it’s 90DF filming, not a weight-loss show. Cara is not about to let her mother step off a plane to greet no one, so she’s coming with her. When she talks about Williams she giggles, and I’m wondering if she’s not ready for a real relationship yet, and is clinging to this fantasy for a low-stakes connection instead. Later, Yolanda declares there’s nothing sexier than a British accent, and she calls Williams…who has an African accent. Will someone please download an episode of Downton Abbey or something for this woman? Yolanda then admits that initially he asked for money so he could book a Maria flight to not visit her, but she insisted that she would come visit him instead. Yolanda reveals more about her relationship with Duane, who apparently had troubles with the law, and spent the last six years of his life in prison. He didn’t want visitors during this time, so Yolanda was denied the opportunity to say goodbye. Can someone please bring Teddy the Wonder Dog to Yolanda for comfort? Please? She gathers her children for dinner, and admits she met someone and is traveling to meet him. Her kids accuse the man of having a last name for a first name, and seem worried that he isn’t real. One daughter cries, perhaps because her mom is trying to move on, and then Yolanda cries and asks them to be happy for her, because she needs a partner. The well-adjusted children tone it down and say they hope it works out, and later take Cara aside to remind her she should go for the eyes and groin first. Meanwhile, everyone at home isolates a relative or friend better suited for Yolanda, and we will later debate the best options using charts and graphs. Next week! Darcey tries on wedding dresses (proposal be damned! ), Avery tells her parents they’re going to be watching her children for 2. 5 weeks, Lisa’s friends plan an unsuccessful intervention, Yolanda becomes suspicious as Williams forgets where he lives, and Big Ed packs up his travel mayo for his overseas exodus. Thank you, Patreon supporters!

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Writer: Jasper Hesseling

Biography: I see wireframes everywhere.